WASHINGTON — News alert!

In the interest of full disclosure, due to the current administration's budgetary cutbacks to NASSA the full complement of marketing and news services to NASSA has been awarded to Satnews! Satnews was included in the bidding process, and was informed today of their winning bid.

Effective April 1st, this news agency will provide exclusive news and media coverage for NASSA. In an unprecedented move, the U.S. administration has instituted several new directions for the national space agency. Citing the need to streamline and manage their press and marketing endeavors to match shrinking responsibilities, the agency has appointed SatNews Publishers as the new publicity arm for all upcoming projects.

"Our internal messaging was in total disarray," said Dr. Phil Dert, director of external space relations at the Florida-based agency. "We conducted an exhaustive study to locate an organization with the resources and personal who would be able to interact with government agencies, the private sector, and the public on a global basis, and this crucial decision is the end result."

Hartley Lesser editorial director has volunteered his services aboard the International Space Station. "It's going to be cool to be weightless in outer space! I can't wait, and I look forward to using the toilet that sometimes works and sometimes doesn't."Pattie Lesser, SatNews editor, was humbled by the decision and immediately initiated a new press release format that completely does away with throw away quotes from executives who have tunnel voice. She started updating her already exhaustive contact lists, only to be momentarily halted by FBI questioning as to potential violations of DoD directives regarding the maintenance of Facebook and Twitter accounts. "With all of the project cancellations by the federal bureaucracy, I'm certain these new responsibilities will be easily managed in just a couple of hours each day," Pattie said.

Satnews and its personnel's responsibilities will include accompanying astronauts on launches and visiting the International Space Station. The visit to the ISS will transpire during the Satnews hiatus in July of this year. Additionally, the Satnews logo will be placed on the side of the International Space Station and all other vehicles on NASSA's properties.

For Silvano Payne, publisher, and Jill Durfee, Sales Director, the new assignment increases a number of opportunities for sales department. Payne said, "This is terrific news. We can now replace our typewriters with state-of-the-art Apple ][e machines! Just think of all the extra work sales and editorial can manage now!"

The main responsibility for Jill Durfee will continue to be management of the sales of ads for upcoming issues of SatMagazine and MilsatMagazine as well as to also ensure the SatNews Publishers logo is forwarded to fairing manufacturers to be emblazoned on all new launch vehicles destined for Cape Canaveral activity. "Not a biggie, especially when you consider we ship the the International Satellite Directory all over the world, and it's heavier than most satellites."

For the editorial director, Hartley, the news was more sobering. "Now I really have to learn what it means to space out."

In an additional move, NASSA's new moniker encompasses a little-known technology reach, also ordered by the administration to assist with new oil exploration projects off the eastern and southern coasts of the United States. NASSA will now be known as the National Space + Subsurface Administration. "Not for war, mind you," quickly added an administrative spokesperson..

In honor of the new assignments and new technical endeavors, NASSA is renaming the upcoming STS-131 mission with a new designation that more accurately reflects the amount of work involved — Payne-1.

Oh, by the way, enjoy your April 1st!